Tales of a Zombie Olive

So my lovely friend Holly is running a zombie flash fiction contest on her hilarious blog, Confessions of a Stuffed Olive.

She draws funny cartoons of olives, cats and other creatures. The winner of her contest will get their story illustrated by her.

Artwork owned by Confessions of a Stuffed Olive

You may recall the last time I did a zombie-themed story. That little story won the Fan Favorite contest run by J. Whitworth Hazzard.

I swore then that I would not write another zombie tale.

I lied. Not only did I have to write another flash fiction zombie tale, it had to be a funny one. CURSE MY LUCK!

Of course, my sense of humor is a little warped, so you can see the result:

 

A Life-Long Dream

She carefully traced a carmine line around her lips. They weren’t nearly as full as they used to be, so she had to employ all her arts to evoke youthful beauty. A hint of blusher, a quick hairbrush and she was ready to go.

“I, Norma Jean Pintucker, accept the crown of Miss Yuba City; it’s a life-long dream for me. I’d like to thank my agent, Quincy…”

Norma Jean frowned. What –was- her agent’s name? It rhymed with “squirter”, she was fairly sure. Her memory was worsening.

As she drove her 2006 Audi to the Convention Center, she fretted, “Werter. Frankfurter.” She examined her reflection in the rearview mirror, “Ugh, my skin looks so pasty.”

Once she reached the stage door, she patted her hair into place and whispered, “Showtime.”

The crowning ceremony had already started without her. That wasn’t right. She struggled through the heavy velvet curtain, applause ringing in her ears.

“I’m here!” she shouted, pushing some highlighted blonde stranger in a showy dress away from the microphone.

She plucked the tiara from the velvet pillow and stepped into the spotlight.

“I accept the crown of Miss Yuba City today. I’d like to thank my agent, Quincy-“

She was saved from recalling his name by the scream in the audience.

“Quincy-“

Just then, her lower jaw fell off and clattered to the stage floor.

She gingerly placed the tiara on her head, kicking her jaw into the orchestra pit, “Thank you, ish been a life-long dream.”

 

Copyright Brian Cameron

 

10 Comments

  1. Holly
    Mar 7, 2013

    I’m genuinely finding it hard to breathe from laughing. This is too fabulous! A beauty queen zombie! WHAT AN IMAGE! AHAHAHAHAH!

    Thank you so much for entering! What a great story to be the first entry!!!!

    And a few more exclamation marks because I love it that much!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Holly
      Mar 7, 2013

      (the “ish”… it kills me… heh heh heh)

  2. Lillie McFerrin
    Mar 7, 2013

    Fantastic!! A zombie beauty queen is quite an image. I like it :)

  3. J. Whitworth Hazzard
    Mar 7, 2013

    Very clever, young lady. 😀 I’m happy to inform you that the International Zombie SmartAss Committee has reviewed your entry and found it to be wonderfully witty. >_<

  4. Kelly M
    Mar 7, 2013

    Superb imagery! Love it!

  5. Melanie Conklin
    Mar 7, 2013

    I was sucked right in! And the humor struck the perfect tone. Well done, fairy queen!

  6. Sophie Moss
    Mar 8, 2013

    This is hilarious. It seemed so normal in the first half–just a regular beauty queen–but since it was a zombie tale I knew it had to be going somewhere gruesome. I love that her jaw fell off. Soooo awful and funny at the same time. :)

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  8. lizzie loodles
    Mar 10, 2013

    Love the idea of a Zombie beauty queen and her attention to the makeup; the clues are there. Cleverly written. x

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